I fucking hate him. He reminds me of Kurtis and my father. Two people I cannot stand. Two people who hurt me the most in my life. Two people who damaged me more than I fully understand. And he reminds me of them and those horrible qualities of theirs that damaged me so. I hate it and hate him for reminding me of them. I hate the yelling and the throwing things and of making me feel horrible about myself even more so then I already feel about myself. I hate him but then again I love him because when it's good it's so good nothing else matters. :: cries::

Fuck him. He gets to talk to Crystal the person who knows him the best but I can't talk to Aaron the person who knows me the best. He told me many times at how horrible Crystal treated him yet he is still with her. Yet he goes on and on wondering why I still talk to Aaron. Yeah, Aaron made mistakes in our relationship in the past but that doesn't make him a horrible person just like Crystals mistakes don't make her a horrible person. My boyfriend is part of the problem in our relationship and I have no problem admitting that I am part of the problem too but I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit back and let someone lecture me about things he does as well. Fuck that. I am not one to sit back and take shit for long. Weather it be my soulmate or not. Anyway, on another note I just realized the location thing either on this site or my computer is completely wrong. Apparently, yesterday I was in Brookhaven, MS. Today I'm in Arnaudville. Heh heh.

I realized last night that my phone, which is in Shreveport, my google account had been accessed. Meaning they digging through my phone. There is no fucking need to go digging through my damn e-mail. I'm going to Verizon today to turn off my damn phone until it is brought back to me. Nosy bastards. Just want to see what they can find in my damn phone. Perfect opportunity to do so since I can't walk in on them looking through it. I'm annoyed.

Drank and cried myself to sleep last night alone in a hotel room. :: sighs :: No idea what to do today. I am so down right now but I have to get moving and do something. I miss my boyfriend.

Ugh....being unstable sucks. I hate it. I would be much happier without it. The depression and anxiety, not to mention the anger and bitterness that ruins my relationships. :: sighs :: Now I just have a new boyfriend who just makes me feel like I'm incompetent. He always has something to say. Can't even explain myself without him saying I'm blaming things on him. Well if he keeps thinking that then he must have a guilty conscious. Fucking asshole. Anyway, despite all that I love him. He is not perfect but I am so way far from perfect too. I just miss him. I just wanted to talk to him and have him tell me how much he missed me because I miss him a whole lot.

Failing miserably to stay positive about a situation I CAN'T FUCKING stand. That I see and it is blatently obvious, but no they to stubborn. And I'm too stubborn to leave. I guess I'll try to make the best of the hand I been given. Fucking hate this shit. Gotta get out the bad vibes some kind of way.

Ha ha! Stupid, childish boy. Yes, BOY. Gotta say shit to make yourself feel better at others expense.
:: smh :: And you wonder why the universe has it out for you. You smart, haven't figured it out yet? You get back what you dish out. I'm gonna sit back and watch. I'm not helping anyone who doesn't help themselves.

theusualroutine.com/2016/11/28/fall-love-3-people-lifetime-one-specific-reason/

Why?! Why do I do this to myself. Because when it's good it's so good nothing else matters. It's the rest of the time and the situation I have a problem with. I'm just not the person I want to be. I'm not. But I'm so attached to him I don't want to leave. I hate this. I hate it.

Fucking hate him right now. He calls me names and tells at me like the other one did. This relationship is TOXIC. Way way way more then I ever thought I would be involved in. I know I'm unstable and made no attempt to hide it. Of course I try to control it but for the utter hatred I feel rolling off him. It's disgusting and it makes me sick. I don't know ehat he feels from me. He could feel the same way, I don't know. But what I do know is that it takes a really decent soul to understand and put up with me like the other has all these years.

Yep, this site is so much better. No one sees this crap. Because that is what I'm posting. The horrible emotions that come across my mind that shouldn't be taken the least bit seriously because I really do have a chemical imbalance that makes me unstable. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

You know how they say be careful what you wish for. Man that shit is true. Still gonna be going to functions alone, as usual. Nothing changed. I just sacrificed my closeness with my family and friends for someone I love more than anyone else I have ever loved but of course there are huge, ginormous issues. Issues that are not the normal issues either. :: sighs :: I'm a glutton for punishment.

I think I'm gonna really start to get my shit together. Last year at the beginning I had a savings and Xmas account but I had to close them because I was stupid. I sacrificed alot. I lost who I was. Well not anymore. I don't like who I am right now and that has got to change.

You know what I like about this. I can say pretty much whatever I want because no one is on here anymore.