Wearing a popped collar while you eat chicken wings is the same as saying “fuck you” to being taken seriously about anything...EVER!

That’s the thing about short people, they’re always in over their heads...

So, do people just sit at home all week and practice their karaoke songs before karaoke night?

If you ever feel like you’re too good or too smart. Turn the autocorrect off on your phone and try to text someone...

do you think my dick would look bigger if I drove a smart car with a boner?

Postmates is like 'Meals On Wheels' for hungover people.

There's no way you will see an unhappy person eating a club sandwich. It's not possible.

If you're an adult male and you don't feel bad when you pee at a children's urinal, well then you my friend are a pedophile....

Me: Does Jacksonville have a nickname?
Uber Driver: Yeah... Jacksonville
Me: FML, where's the Applebee's

Status update:
Slur: n. When your rich as fuck, but homeless as shit.
"Damn, dude be slurrin'. Nice ass car, but always eatin' my muthafuckin french fries..."

Dudes who wear basketball shorts to non-basketball shorts situations, aren't behind. In fact they're way ahead their time. They stopped giving a shit way before the rest of us will at 55.

Denver is a grey area between a potentially cool city, and a Phish festival.