MySpace...haha. I came on here to find a photo, but what I found was so much more. What I saw first were my "Top Friends" and that made me remember just how excited I was to put you as "Number 1". And to see you up there every time that I logged on, made me feel incredible.
That made me click on your profile, which is a picture from our engagement photos. Then all the memories came in like a flood. I instantly remembered walking into that terribly boring economics class that first day of school, late as usual, embarrassed to be coming in after everyone, and opening the door and instantly seeing you, and realizing I now had an excuse to make it to class on time. It's been six years since we put anything on here...and in that time a lot has happened.
We fell madly in love...you gave me a companion to go through so many exciting adventures and stages in life. We got married! That alone is a memory that already seems surreal. I think back to the emotions I had as I held your hands in that little back yard and stared into your eyes...so many thoughts rushing through my mind, but none of them sticking other than the repetitive thought of how beautiful you looked, how happy you looked, how happy I felt, and not wanting that feeling to ever stop. "I do" just happened. I didn't even have to say it, everything inside of me wanted it.
You weren't my girlfriend, or fiancé, or wife...what made us special is that we were sidekicks. We loved to do things just to do them. Up and go camping to say we did. Drive to St George to spend a week with family neither of us knew. Countless hours holding each other's hands while we drove that little Accord all over creation whether it was to go to the mountains, or to the mall.
I remember making the decision to marry you. It was the easiest thing I have ever done. I remember thinking I was so sly to get you to go into the stores at the mall just to see what kinda stuff you liked, on that Valentine's Day. I remember seeing your ring for the first time and it being the only one that I actually liked and deciding that I would come back for it without you. Nothing beats the memory of coming back in the next day to see that the ring had been put on special, and how it made me feel that much better about you being the person I wanted to have by my side for the rest off life.
What I remember most is the night I asked you to marry me. Staring off into the night watching the waves come into shore and listening to the waves of the ocean at night, I had no idea what to say. Then I thought of our little Buzz Lightyear thing we have, and it made me think, "To Infinity, AND BEYOND" and then I realized no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't see where the ocean stopped and the starlit sky began in the distance. Without even thinking, I started to spit the words out before I could chicken out. Do you remember what I said? "I want us to be like the sky and ocean, together till the end and never separating." I still see your face in my memories like we are living that moment over again. I have never seen an expression that showed so much excitement, happiness, love, or gratitude in my life. It is because of that moment, that I know what true happiness looks like and feels like. I love that moment, and I cherish the memory.
Well we did a lot more amazing things together after that. What about our treacherous yet unforgettable honey moon?! Haha. Looking back, I knew at the time how incredibly lucky I was, but now I know how incredibly selfish I was for not giving our relationship and love the appreciation it deserved. I apologize for not making you fall in love with me every day, and letting us fall into a mundane routine. I apologize for working so hard, and putting too much value on the things we didn't have, instead of stepping back and appreciating all that we did have. I apologize for not paying more attention to you and being kind to you or spoiling you, just for the sale of making you feel special. I don't know what we could have done differently to get to where we are now, without taking the steps we have to get us to where we are at. But what I do now, is that after it all, nothing can replace you.
I miss my sidekick. I miss our life. When we were together we didn't have "lives", not till the end. For the greater part of our relationship we lived a life, together. I miss looking at you and you not knowing that I just gazing at you. Amazed that you are there with me to take on life. I wish I had of said that, or shown you some way, maybe things would be different. Maybe if I had of gone onto MySpace and been reminded of so many amazing memories as we started to drift apart, I could have realized what a mistake I was making. I took you for granted, Cambria. I took us for granted. I can't apologize deeply enough for not being mature enough to see that sooner.
Thanks to MySpace I can relive those memories...and even better, I can post this, knowing that you will never see it. And, if you do somehow come across this, I hope it at least makes you feel special, loved, and appreciated. I can now put a close to a chapter of my life that I will forever cherish, in the same way as it started. Thanks for being my "#1" in my "Top 8". I love you.