So beat from work. I wondered if using this site for venting was a good idea. It's public but nobody looks at it. It kinda helped me get through some rough moments so that's cool. Looking forward to saikoucon in August. I just need my money to be at acceptable levels to enjoy myself there. I plan on getting a room and staying for 2 nights. Should be a lot of fun.

I don't know what's happening. I'm happy to have her with me again. But I am still worried. So many things can go wrong.

Focus lost. Happiness gone forever. I don't think I'll ever be happy again. Nothing good left in this world for me. My dreams of a family, a home, a life. Finally crushed. Once she's gone I will begin my ascent into madness. There is no joy in my life. No more. No more words. Rage. Fury. Nothing. Fuck this world and its inhabitants. If the world ended with me I would die.

I must remain focused. There are things I want to do. I need to do those things to regain my life. To regain my identity and to dispose of this depressive weight on my back. It's only going to destroy me, my mind.

About to see fury road with Ray, maybe other people too.

I really feel like I lost my best friend. There was no one else I'd rather be with. Nobody else who knows the things I'm ashamed I've done. I lost it all.

Still nobody to talk to. The loneliness is getting to me. I'll be talking to myself again pretty soon.

Nothing good. Nothing positive. Perhaps I should try vengeance. For thy heart, for thy heart, who hast wronged me.

My heart is broken. Its been broken for a while. The only positive thought I had was that Kim would love me again. I no. Longer. Have. That. Hope. There is nothing positive for me now. I sink into the negative. I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't have it in me to look for someone else to love. I truly believe no one with a healthy mind will love me. I don't want a girl with a broken mind. So I will resign myself to solitude.

Sigh, she really doesn't. Want to love me anymore. She thinks she's better than me. That she can do better than me. She won't say it though. Maybe im wrong. But I can feel it. Well, I started this relationship. Its all my fault that I feel how I do. Once I move out and she never talks to me again except to pay me money I might be able to move on.

Nobody to talk to but myself... Who am I kidding. I dont wanna talk to myself. I don't know the first thing about conversation. I just get to the point and move on. I have nothing interesting to say to anyone. Ever. I feel like I visit that subject a lot. I should expand my horizons. I read books. I tried talking to people about those books. I got nowhere. Games? Nope. Anime? I don't watch enough anime to talk about it. Also, what's so great about talking about tv shows? If you both watched it then wtf is there to talk about? Speculation? I guess. But I feel like those conversations are short lived. I watch people talk to each other on break. It confuses the shit out of me. I always wonder what life would be like if I enjoyed more things and experiences. I might be doomed to be alone in my twilight. I keep trying to think of ways to meet people. But I got nothing. Nobody my age is gonna be into the shit I'm into. And I don't know how to meet people that aren't my age.

HoW am I supposed to be positive? All I can think about is her. She went to Philly to see her friend. And obviously to go see that douchebag as well. I was thinking, how are we supposed to be friends? She's just not a decent person. I thought she was but the evidence I collected shows me otherwise. I suppose what really bothers me is that she said she'd text me when she arrived. Of course she didn't. I texted her good night and she didn't respond at all. I feel like I'm nothing to her now. Maybe I should act like it. She is nothing but troubled, nothing but a future of pain. But she is someone I care about. I never thought someone I care about would do me like this.

Soo I looked at her Skype. I was surprised by some of the things I found there. She thought about cheating on me the whole time we were together. Also, since she started going out with me mad dickbags have been hitting on her. Soo I basically had no chance of ever being with her. She thought about other guys while she was with me. Talked to other guys while in the same room as me. The shit was fucked from the beginning. If she told me all that shit when it happened I would have told her to go do what she needs to and ended this shit then. But she fucking kept silent and really fucked me over. I hate what she has done to me. And right now I hate her too.

I've taken up drinking in a bad way. Started drinking and driving regularly now. Life without Kim is just so damn painful. So pitiful. I know that if I leave I'll get better. But I don't want her out of my life. I love her smile, her smell, her laugh. But she doesn't smile for me anymore, doesn't laugh for me. She doesn't want me. She doesn't want me. All I want is her. The fuck is this shit. Stop it. Just fucking leave. Leave! Leave. Dont look back. She wouldn't look back at. She has effectively ruined my life.

I don't want to live without her close to me. I don't want to wake up without her next to me. She is the light in my tiny little world. Without her it's dark and cramped. Closed off. I don't see anyway out. The light is never coming back. What's positive about this? Why can't I adjust. Why doesn't she want to be with me. I love her so damn much. I'm so damn sad. No one is here for me.

Still negative. How can I make myself better.

She blocked me on Facebook. Last night accelerated the endgame I see. Truth time. I really wish that I could have handled her blatant disrespect better. I regret so much.

Went a little crazy last night. I asked her to do one thing to keep the peace. Don't talk to that guy while I was home. Not unreasonable. It's all I needed to not lose my mind. She constantly did it, with the phone I paid for, using the phone service I pay for. I lost it, told her to give me my phone. She wanted me to leave the room so she could say goodbye. The fuck? That gave me all the anger. How dare she continually antagonize me. This whole time I haven't done anything to hurt her. All she's done is hurt me. Yet I still treat her with so much respect. Then she had the nerve to say she's worried I'm going to physically hurt her. Multiple times. I know that I would never do that to her. Does she think that little of me? Obviously. She might not be able to control herself, but i can.

Respect. I have none. Never did. Everyone was right. I have terrible taste in women. Why couldn't she wake up and figure out what she wanted before I loved her.

Fuck it. It's over. I hate this. I hate myself. Fucking fuck. I'm worthless? I gave all I could. All of myself. I guess I'm not enough. She doesn't love me anymore. Repetition. She doesn't love me anymore, she doesn't love me anymore, she doesn't love me anymore. I don't have a friend like that anymore. I had a place I fucking belonged for the first time in my life. Its gone now. This is what I am. I push people I want close to me far away. I can't understand. Why do I try so hard? Why wasn't it enough? I need a drink. Nothing to drink. I need to get drunk. Nothing to drink. She doesn't love me anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. I'm a dead end to her.