It’s appropriate that Daniel Bryan announced his retirement from wrestling on Raw Monday night, because today—and with great sadness—I am announcing my retirement from writing about wrestling for Myspace.

That is in no way an attempt to compare myself to Daniel Bryan who, as far as I can tell, is both a stellar wrestler and human being. I, on the other hand, am a horrible wrestler (I can only assume, as the only person I’ve ever wrestled was my younger sister Bethany when I was eight years old and she was four) and a mostly average human being.

Hey, we’ve all got our fair share of shiny and shitty moments, right?

Unlike Daniel Bryan’s situation, my retirement isn’t due to injury. Not any external injury, at least. No, my injuries run much deeper than a torn ACL or herniated neck disc. (That’s a thing, right?) And it’s because of these deep, internal, emotional scars that I must hang up my tights and walk off into the sunset.

I’ve been writing these “Top 5” wrestling articles for almost a year now. A few weeks ago, as ring action and storylines started ramping up in anticipation for WrestleMania 32, I went back and re-read a few of my very first posts.

In doing so, I realized something: I’ve been bitching and moaning about the same shit for nearly twelve months now, and yet nothing has changed. I’m like that whiny asshole who complains incessantly about how awful his life is, but then does nothing to change anything about it.

That all stops today, because today I make that change.

Like Daniel Bryan, wrestling has taken its toll on me. Over the past year, I’ve witnessed many missed opportunities for greatness, and experienced many crushed expectations because of them.

I loved wrestling as a young kid, but I stopped paying attention to it around 1989. In 2003, I came back... after a 14-year hiatus. I missed the entire Attitude Era, the WWF/WCW/ECW wars, and every match “Stone Cold” Steve Austin ever wrestled.

I'm completely at peace with this.

And now, I believe it’s once again time for me to step away. Here, one last time, are five reasons why.

I’m Fucking Bored

Not with writing these posts, but with wrestling.

This is the biggest reason I’m hitting the road. When it comes to wrestling, I find very little entertaining anymore. The matches are predictable, the trash talking goes on way too long, and they’re pushing talent that, frankly, I just don’t understand. I know that makes me sound like an old man, but... HEY, GET OFF MY LAWN, PUNKS!

Sorry, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, I’m bored. Sure, The New Day is usually a shining moment on each show, but that’s about it. And now with Daniel Bryan retired, Finn Bálor injured, and Damien Sandow going the way of fucking Bigfoot, I don’t really have very many other reasons to keep watching.

That is, until John Cena comes back. Just kidding!

There’s Too Much Fucking Wrestling

When I was a kid, watching a televised wrestling show was a goddamn event. Before they started showing it regularly on Sunday mornings (at least where I grew up), you were lucky if NBC aired one episode of Saturday Night’s Main Event a month.

Nowadays, wrestling shows are a dime a dozen. Each week, you’ve got two hours of SmackDown!, over three hours of Raw, an hour of NXT, an hour of Main Event, and an hour of Superstars. That’s eight hours of wrestling every week, and that’s not even including PPV events or live NXT specials that usually run two hours rather than their usual one.

And don’t even get me started on the WWE Network (which you can subscribe to for just $9.99 a month), where you could get lost in hours and hours of old matches/events.

THERE IS TOO MUCH FUCKING WRESTLING. I’d rather have two solid hours of great wrestling a week than eight hours of mediocre ring action and incoherent mic babble (i.e. Chris Jericho’s show, The Miz’s show, etc.).

Less is more. Always. Even when it comes to wrestling.

I Want To Go Out on a Fucking High Note

Do you really want to read articles like “Top 5 Wrestlers Who Wore Blue Tights” or “Top 5 Wrestlers Who Eat Oatmeal For Breakfast”? Because that’s where I’m headed, folks.

In the last couple months, mostly because I had hit my I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck moment, I’ve been writing posts that have very little to do with wrestling. Posts like: “5 (Non-Existing) WWE Merch Items on My Christmas List”; “5...Things (that Kind of Sort of Have to do with Wrestling and are Extremely Entertaining)”; “5 Movie Remakes That Should Star John Cena”, and (my personal favorite) “5 Reasons Why Chris Jericho Isn’t Still a Thing.”

Guess what? This is my best work! These articles—which, let’s be honest, are stretching to make a wrestling connection—are the ones I’m most proud of! So why not end things on a high note, right?

I want to go out like CM Punk, not Sting.

I Saw One of the Most Amazing Fucking Wrestling Events Live...in 1988

On July 31, 1988, my mother took me to Milwaukee Wrestlefest at County Stadium. WWF put on the event as a follow-up to WrestleMania IV. During this event, I watched the following matches unfold right before my 11-year-old eyes:

The Big Boss Man vs. Scott Casey

Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs. Hercules

The Fabulous Rougeaus vs. The Killer Bees

Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Bad News Brown

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. The Honky Tonk Man (w/ Jimmy “The Mouth of the South” Hart)

The Powers of Pain vs. The Bolsheviks

Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart vs. “Leaping” Lanny Poffo

Mr. Perfect vs. The Red Rooster

Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. “Ravishing” Rick Rude

King Haku vs. Sam Houston

The Ultimate Warrior vs. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

Demolition (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. The British Bulldogs

Dino Bravo vs. Ken Patera

“Macho Man” Randy Savage (w/ Miss Elizabeth) vs. “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase (w/ Virgil)

And finally...

Hulk Hogan vs. Andre The Giant

...IN A STEEL FUCKING CAGE MATCH!

Gotta be honest, no matter what pops up on Raw or SmackDown! each week, it’s all been downhill for me since July 31, 1988.

I should’ve quit while I was ahead.

I Found You a Good Fucking Replacement

I wouldn’t leave you high and dry! I got your back, yo!

My good buddy Erick Salomon will be taking over Myspace’s weekly wrestling posts from here on out. Erick is a huge wrestling fan, and isn’t yet bored to fucking tears by it. You deserve that much, dear readers.

I promise that Erick will take care of all your weekly wrestling needs, so treat him well.

Before I sign off, I wanted to give a HUGE THANK YOU to my amazing editor Katrina for putting up with my fucking insanity and foul mouth these last few months. I’d also like to thank my first editor, Vickie, for originally bringing me onboard last year. It’s been a blast. Or at least it was at first, back when I wasn’t falling asleep during matches.

And lastly... this goes out to WWE: PUSH DAMIEN SANDOW!

Oh, and BRING BACK RICO!

Much love, folks! See you again in 14 years.