It’s a dark day for fans of angsty S&M: apparently Fifty Shades Darker, the sequel to 2015’s E.L. James adaptation Fifty Shades of Grey, is actually just quite boring. It’s not even worth watching it to ridicule it: critics practically snored their way through it for the first time last night (February 9), despite there being a lol-sounding fingering scene, in a lift, accompanied by the sounds of Van Morrison’s ‘Moondance’. Amid the grey melodrama there was reportedly one saving grace – Jamie Dornan on a pommel horse, which reportedly drew actual applause – but what about its terrible cinematic crimes? What makes this film quite so unwatchable? Come, let us guide you through the best lines from critics’ terrible reviews so far.

The Guardian – 1 star

“The sex scenes [are] steamy as a greasy spoon and almost as erotic. Fifty Shades’s chief way of proving how dirty it is seems to be making its stars take endless showers – which inevitably leads to more sex, and so a terrible cycle of shagging and washing.”