If it walks like Dr Doom, quacks like Dr Doom and has a face that should hide behind a mask like Dr Doom...
Election Season, in America, is like most other natural disaster seasons: there’s an abundance of news coverage, some very colorful characters that come out the woodwork and an overwhelming feeling of dread that something will destroy a lot of lives of average citizens. This year that dread is far more palpable because among the fakers, the liars, the power hungry and the well-intentioned lurks true evil in the form of one Donald J. “Sewermouth” Trumpington III.
Sure some of you are saying that I’m an idiotic alarmist. Some of you are saying that I just hate him because he’s rich and doesn’t follow the standard political pandering. Some of you are probably, slowly, taking the crayon out of your mouth wondering how in the hell this crazy Internet thing ended up in front of you yelling its words at you from the TV. But despite all of your reservations I’m here to say that I’m pretty sure Donald Trump doesn’t want to be President. I’m pretty sure that Donald Trump is a Supervillain, and I’ve got a compelling list with 5 reasons why that’s probably (totally is) a fact.
Let’s make it even more interesting by adding a game of “Trump or Supervillain: quotes edition” at the top of each section to see how closely they mirror each other. (Key at the bottom of the post.)
He Thinks His Money Gives Him Power and Respect
“My super-power is that I’m rich as shit!”*
The reality of running for President in America is that it takes just a staggering amount of cash. Some would say a shitload of cash. We all know that. We all begrudgingly accept that as fact, and we expect our possible elected officials wouldn’t admit it out and out. Donald Trump has decided that his greatest characteristic, the one that should get us all to put him in charge of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal, is that he’s just superfucking rich. That’s it. Dude just straight up loves the shit out of money and his fascination with cash makes him think that money is all that it takes to be president and rule the world.
Not Unlike: Chris D’amico (The Motherfucker)
Chris D’amico was the archnemesis of Kick Ass. He was a spineless, listless, hopeless wannabe whose only superpower was the ability to throw cash around like a drunken trust fund kid at a strip club. Like Trump, he didn’t have any actual credentials to help him secure the position that he so desperately wanted so instead of developing himself he decided that all it really took to be a true supervillain was to throw his cash around and use that as his basis for his impetus to rule.
He Hates the Shit Out of Aliens
“My friends! These creatures think …That they can come here—to our home—and make us kneel! … This is our country! While a single breath remains in our bodies, we will fight and die to keep it! Stand with me! Show them! Let us shout it with one voice! This...is my country.”**
Donald Trump has tapped into something terrifying in the undercurrent of American culture. An ugly thing that most of us think is an affectation of a bygone era: racism. The institutional solidification of US VS THEM! He wants to build a wall along the Mexican border (and force the Mexican government pay for it). He thinks that the only thing that comes from “out there” are rapists and criminals. He has no idea that immigrants and “aliens” bring a great deal to this country and its diverse culture. He thinks, with his tiny little pea brain, that they are nothing but a threat.
Not Unlike: Lex Luthor
Lex Luthor hates the ever-loving shit out of Superman. He thinks the greatest threat to this earth isn’t nuclear proliferation, or climate change, or crushing economic disparity (that he, as a super rich dude probably had something to do with), but the actions of the most newsworthy foreigner in the world. He thinks that, despite all of his heroic efforts and contributions, Superman is just a filthy illegal immigrant that threatens his white-bred world view—no matter how much good he does.
His Whole Life is Built Around His Branded, Villain-esque, Persona
"Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest—and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure, it's not your fault."***
The thing that Donald Trump loves, above all else, is himself. He thinks that he’s the greatest gift to business—despite his numerous bankruptcies. He thinks that he is the great bootstrap pulling, every man entrepreneur to make a vast fortune from nothing—despite his father’s tiny loan of a million dollars. His vast real estate portfolio is nothing but monuments to his gaudy, and garish, understanding of trailer park opulence with his name and likeness plastered all of them like a bond villain’s volcano lair.
Not Unlike: Doctor Evil
Everything in Doctor Evil’s repertoire is a passing homage to his likeness and sensibilities; no matter how bad those may be. There is absolutely zero subterfuge to be had in conducting clandestine operations from a volcano base that bears your likeness like an egotistical Mount Rushmore; or a submarine that defies all naval conventions by being shaped like your pudgy body. The most important thing in his life is himself, so much so that he has a clone of himself made to help ensure his future rule through progeny. And, let’s be honest here, if Donald Trump could clone himself he would do it just so he could high five himself over how great he thinks he is.
He Surrounds Himself With Henchmen
“See the way they're kissing your ass already? That's what happens when you're a boss.”****
Donald Trump thinks so highly of himself that he believes he deserves a cadre of people available at his beck and call. People who are willing to do whatever it takes to be in his presence and suck from his TrumpTeet of wisdom and knowledge. Not content with being a master of his own domain and fortune, he wants minions at his side, subservient to everything he wants and desires. He loves this so much that he even made a TV show where people would compete for a job with one of his companies. He made a Prime Time television show about nothing more than hiring henchmen to do his dirty work in businesses that he may or may not have given a shit about.
Not Unlike: Every Villain EVER!
No supervillain is complete without a complement of incompetent idiots who are willing to be fodder for their evil machinations or bullet sponges for their erstwhile enemies. Doctor Doom has his Doombots, Hydra has the nameless legions of greenclad mercenaries and Shredder has a never ending retainer of desperate souls in black footy pajamas. No criminal mastermind would be seen confronting a hero without their fodder to absorb punch, after punch, after punch. Though The Donald is the first one to make his hiring a televised event.
He's Nothing But Bombast With Absolutely ZERO Plans
"Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched pinhead puppets!...You gotta admit, I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell!"*****
Donald Trump has absolutely ZERO idea of what the actual fuck it means to be President of The United States. I'm not entirely certain that he didn't take this on as a drunken bet with a friend. He's got a lot of media soundbites. He's got a slogan that he has touted out as his entire platform—Make America Great Again—but when the hat that bears that slogan also carries a "made in Mexico" tag; it's hard to believe that he knows what he's doing let alone has a plan on how to make his catchphrase a reality. When asked how he would make America great again he simply went round and round in circles making empty platitudes about how when he's president, essentially, We're gonna be totally fucking awesome, with a military you straight up don't fuck wit' and we're gonna bring jobs back to America because—even though I outsource the shit out of everything to squeeze every penny out of my operations....something something something FUCK YEAH MURICA. [Paraphrased but that was the gist]. Bottom line is that he has no real plan other than he thinks being President would be a pretty sweet gig.
Not Unlike: The Joker
The Joker doesn't have a plan. He doesn't have a grand scheme for how things are going to play out. All he know is that he wants the establishment to look him directly in his beady little eyes and he wants them to squirm under the horrific onslaught that he is going to bring to their world. He wants to create chaos and anarchy for the mere reason of "I'm bored and chaos is better than Netflix." That's what Donald Trump is: political chaos, crammed into a poorly crafted human form, covered in a thin layer of leftover spray tan, and poured into a douchebag costume.