T-Swift may very well be an evil genius....
How did we get here, America? How did we get to a place where every move Taylor Swift makes is deemed news? How is it possible that a single Twitter fight can fill a website’s newsfeed all week long? I’ve been thinking about it all weekend and have come to the conclusion that Taylor Swift, at the age of 25 ,is an evil genius.
Her model of world domination is subtle and fiendishly clever. Here are the five steps to her rise to power. Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus, you should be taking notes.
Step 1: Debut Strong and Analyze Your Strengths
You write a hit country record about having your heart broken when you’re 17. You quickly realize that this is a formula that works. It’s relatable. It sells a lot of records. Many teenagers have their heartbroken repeatedly. You are just an average girl with a guitar who sings songs about losing at love. You can duplicate this in a number of different musical genres. But there’s a problem…
Step 2: Continue Repeating the Same Formula BUT Do Not Bore People
The problem is, if you keep writing love songs, people will get bored. So, you devise a strategy to date men who young girls fantasize about. A Jonas Brother; a member of One Direction; a star of the Twilight series; Jake Gyllenhaal; a Kennedy and most recently a super star DJ/underwear model, Calvin Harris. Now when you write a song about being heartbroken, people are clamoring to know which fantasy man it’s about. But now there’s another problem…
The new Emporio Armani Fall/Winter campaign @armani #CalvinHarrisforEA pic.twitter.com/Fl32N0fQFC
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) July 27, 2015
Step 3: Avoid Typical Sexist Traps
Your new problem is that, even in 2015, you know full well what happens to female pop stars that date around. They get called all kinds of horrifying things, and parents won’t let their teenagers go to those floozies’ concerts. So how do you manage to escape such savage criticism? The same weapon that women have been using for years… fashion. You dress as conservatively as possible. You button your shirts all the way up to the neck. There’s even an Internet rumor that you don’t have a bellybutton. You make sure that every public appearance is as demure (for a pop star) as possible. Your style is so wholesome, not even the most conservative granny could object to it.
Step 4: Keep an Eye on Your Competition
Suddenly, there’s a flood of up and coming teenagers who claim that you are too perfect. That you’re upholding a standard that no one could possibly look up to. Specifically, there’s a young lady named Lorde, who has a single that’s racing up the charts and has recently said in Metro that your image is “so flawless and so unattainable, and I don’t think it’s breeding anything good in young girls.” And that is a real threat to your relatable brand. So what do you do? You befriend her and every other young upstart that crosses your path. Suddenly, anyone who talks trash about you later shows up on your Instagram and Twitter feeds having brunch. Celebrity magazines start doing articles about your famous friends, which gets people talking, and your social media numbers start going through the roof…
Step 5: Make Sure The Public Eye Is Always on You
You wield your new power to your every advantage. Suddenly, if Nicki Minaj tweets something about the VMAs completely unrelated to you, you MAKE it about you. Why? Because you are nominated and you want people to watch this archaic, bloated show. Because you just dropped a single called “Bad Blood.” Because everyone loves a good fight. Although, your strategy is always the same: Kill them with kindness. You offer to share the award—if you win—with Nicki Minaj, which is completely insane. Why do you bother with such nonsense?
Because if you can manage to complete these five steps, you end up wielding REAL Power. The kind that gives you the clout to stand up to Apple when they want to pay you nothing for their new streaming service. Just a couple barbs on Tumblr and one of the world’s biggest music services, iTunes, is at your feet. And at the end of the day, you’re going to get paid. You didn’t end up on Forbes’ list of Top 25 Most Powerful Women in the World, alongside Hilary Clinton and Oprah, for nothing. It is no accident that you are now worth 200 million dollars.
Taylor Swift has built an empire on love songs and there seems to be no stopping her. America is hanging on her every tweet. One can only hope she will use her powers for good and not evil. The jury is still out on which one she’ll end up choosing.
