Billy Corgan has come a long way since 1988. That year, at the age of 21, he formed a little band called the Smashing Pumpkins, which would go on to make Corgan a household name and a millionaire in the process.

But Corgan’s newest gig is by far his strangest. And by “strangest,” we mean “most fucking awesome.”

Billy Corgan at WWE WrestleMania 21 'WrestleMania Goes Hollywood' at Staples Center in Los Angeles, Calif. (Photo by J. Shearer/WireImage for BWR Public Relations)

Last week, TNA (Total Nonstop Action) Wrestling announced that Corgan had joined the company as Senior Producer of TNA’s Creative and Talent Development. Corgan’s duties were outlined in a press release: “In this position, Corgan will develop characters and create story lines for TNA's flagship program IMPACT WRESTLING, broadcast Friday nights at 9/8c on Destination America, as well as other TNA programming.”

Corgan’s love for wrestling is well known, but the fact that he took (and one might assume sought out) a job with a professional wrestling company is pure badassery. I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m assuming Corgan doesn’t need the money. If he does, it’s probably because he blew his millions on replica championship belts and ringside seats.

Corgan is a well-documented wrestling fanatic—he’s referred to himself as a “wrestlemaniac"—which is exactly why I think his first order of business should be to make himself a wrestler. He would be a heel (obviously, as that’s where the fun in wrestling lies) and have an arsenal of amazing finishing moves. Which is where I come in.

Here are five suggestions for you, Billy. Feel free to use them as you see fit.

Despite All His Rage You Are Still Just A Rat In A Cage (AKA The World is a Vampire)

Sure it’s a mouthful and involves a shitload of steps, but there’s something goddamn catchy about this finisher. The move starts with Corgan trapped in a corner by his opponent. But just when you think he’s done for, Corgan unleashes a rage that can’t be measured by any manmade instrument. (Similar to Hulk Hogan’s “hulking up,” which is also a force that can’t be contained.) Like a python, Corgan’s jaw unhinges as he releases a shrill scream that literally blows his opponent into the opposite corner. (This is reminiscent of the scene in Aphex Twin’s “Come to Daddy” video, where that demon creature screams the flesh off that old lady’s skull.)

Corgan advances on his opponent in one bounding leap. A cage then drops from the ceiling above, trapping his opponent... who can only look on in horror as Corgan’s teeth stretch into sharp daggers. And then Corgan bites his opponent’s jugular vein out because, you know, it’s hard to come back from that. 

The Siamese Dream

This finisher is the gift that keeps on giving. Corgan created this finisher over twenty years ago and it forever changed his life. The beauty of The Siamese Dream lies in its simplicity. As soon as the bell rings, Corgan approaches his opponent and politely introduces himself: “Hi, I’m Billy Corgan. You may have heard of me. I created a band called Smashing Pumpkins. I’ve been on the cover of Rolling Stone, the musical guest on Saturday Night Live, and wrote a song called ‘Silverfuck.’ That’s right, ‘Silverfuck.’ I also slept with Jessica Simpson... while watching myself on an episode of The Simpsons.”

At this point, Corgan’s opponent—depressed by what little he’s accomplished in his own life—lies down on the mat and starts to cry, which is when Corgan pins him for the win.

The Gish

This finishing move isn’t as well known as The Siamese Dream, mostly because of its minimalism and subtlety. Corgan enters the ring dressed as Lillian Gish’s character, Elsie Stoneman, from D.W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation, and then simply pantomimes moves around his opponent in complete silence. Eventually, usually after about a half hour or so, Corgan’s opponent leaves the ring out of frustration, forfeiting the match and giving Corgan the win.

And if you get that one, you’re fucking amazing.

The Zwan

This is a finisher Corgan’s fans swear they’re familiar with, yet not one of them can name a single move from it. Myself included.

The Zero

Corgan only uses this finisher when he’s teamed up with his tag-team partner, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. (I can dream, can’t I?) After Corgan’s famous move Cherub Rocked (where he literally throws rocks at his opponent while wearing only a diaper and a pair of plastic wings), he straddles his now unconscious opponent and pulls his head back in a Corgan (AKA Camel) Clutch. He then holds him there while Brutus shaves him bald. Once it’s all over, Corgan adds insult to injury by putting his most famous article of merch—a black long-sleeved T-shirt with white letters that spell out (I’M A) ZERO—on his now bald, and quite possibly in a coma, opponent.