Christmas is coming, y’all, and Goose is getting fat. Sorry, Anthony Edwards.

Let’s be honest: Christmas is all about the giving and receiving of material items. Sure, I could say that I believe the reason for the season has to do with the birth of a baby in a manger. But guess what? I’m an atheist! So in my world, Christmas is all about the Benjamins, baby. And I’m talking about all of the Benjamins: Benjamin Franklin; Benjamin Button; Benjamin Banneker; hell, even Private Benjamin.

Mmmm... Goldie Hawn.

(Wait, what was I talking about? Eh, who cares, right? I mean, do you really need an intro to these insane articles I write? I didn’t think so. Still, I’ll give it a whirl, if only to appease my sweet editor princess/ninja. Hey, Katrina! How you doing, girl?

NOTE: I’m gonna ask for a raise in the new year.)

Oh, right. The intro. Okay, here you go:

Last week, I mentioned how WWE released new merch for tag-team Champions The New Day: hats with unicorn horns attached to them. I love these items. It’s good to see WWE not taking itself too seriously, allowing fans to purchase admittedly silly items that are officially endorsed by the company.

But when it comes to cheesy, tongue-in-cheek merchandise, why stop at unicorn-horn hats? Over the decades, the company has racked up a ton of intellectual property, including character rights, so why not turn some of those old Superstars into merchandise cash cows?

Baby Jesus sure knows what I’d like to see under my tree on Christmas morning! (See what I did there?) Here are five examples!

Jake The Plumber’s Snake

Jake “The Snake” Roberts was known for two things: bringing his enormous pet python Damien down to the ring during matches, and defeating his opponents with his finishing move, the DDT. (Years later, he’d become known for two other things: a crippling addiction and a remarkable recovery.) Which of us hasn’t brought an enormous python down to the ring? And by “python” I mean “turd,” and by “ring” I mean “toilet.” Now you can unclog your python with the Jake The Plumber’s Snake^®, which removes blockages with its patented DDT (Dookie-Destroying Traction) action!

Junkyard Dog Biscuits

The late, great JYD may have left this mortal coil in 1998, but what better way to remember his wrestling legacy than by shoveling hard-as-hell dog treats down your pet pooch’s gullet? The Junkyard Dog Biscuits™ (AKA JYDBs) don’t adhere to this new lame-ass trend of healthy pet food. I mean, dogs lick their buttholes on a daily basis. Do we really think they give a shit if their food contains unique proteins and complex carbohydrates? Suck it, Dick Van Patten! No, JYDBs are made up of the unhealthiest shit you can imagine... specifically, the crushed-up bones of wrestlers of who passed away way too fucking young. Wrestlers like Junkyard Dog, who died in a tragic car accident at the age of 45. Sadly, they have enough ingredients to make biscuits for a very long time.

Hillbilly Slim Jims

This one is a must for two reasons: First, the endorsement actually makes sense with his name, and second, because Macho Man is no longer available to be the spokesman for this disgusting dehydrated meat product. (Oh, what? Too soon?) OH, YEAH! SNAP INTO A HILLBILLY SLIM JIM!

The “Pet” Rock

Remember 1975, when everyone who was anyone owned a Pet Rock? Me either! But everything old is cool once again (Thanks, hipsters!), and Pet Rocks are no different. But this newest incarnation of that old classic is a little different than its predecessor. The old Pet Rock would just sit there. Boring! The “Pet” Rock^® hides itself almost immediately after you receive it. Then—approximately once a year or so, usually around WrestleMania—it comes out of hiding and shows its “face,” which, for some reason, causes everyone to lose their fucking shit. The next day, it hides itself again, only to be seen months later in a shitty action movie. Can you smell what The “Pet” Rock is cooking... once every 365 days or so?

Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape

Just kidding, that does exist!

Check out this compilation of sad fuckers who made the mistake of watching it.

Nobody wants to find that under his or her tree on Christmas morning! Or anywhere for that matter. Ever.