Before I dive into this week’s post I wanted to give a quick recap of Survivor Series: Roman Reigns beat Dean Ambrose to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship... and then he lost it seconds later to Sheamus, who cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase. To be read: No one gives a shit.

So with that out of the way, let’s move on to this week’s post!

Like any other form of ongoing entertainment, wrestling has a habit of growing stale; storylines become trite, shticks overstay their welcome, and characters grow dull. Film and television fight these lows by introducing a new character into the mix (and/or by killing one off, à la Two and a Half Men), by having a storyline do a 180-degree turn (i.e. Don Draper becoming a faithful husband on Mad Men), or by throwing an element into the mix that can’t be explained right away (or ever, à la Lost).

Do these cheap gimmicks always work? Of course not, but that doesn’t make them any less entertaining. And, honestly, what do they have to lose by throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks? At its core, wrestling is a soap opera with a cast of tanned/shaved men fighting each other in their underwear. By virtue, it’s not meant to be taken seriously. And because of that, WWE should be given carte blanche when it comes to getting creative with existing characters.

Case in point: In 2003, Hulk Hogan returned to WWE as Mr. America. And it was spectacular.

If they can do that, they can do whatever the fuck they want. So go ahead, WWE. Kill off a character and then immediately bring them back as a ghost that appears invisible only to their opponents. Or turn someone into a superhero or a robot or a flying fish. Whatever it takes to keep me entertained, I’m all for it. Because let’s be honest, when it comes to the current roster of Superstars and Divas, some of them are in desperate need of character makeovers.

Here are 5 current-roster talents who need to be reinvented, and a few suggestions as to what they could become.

Triple H

It’s no secret that Triple H is being groomed to become the new Vince McMahon (I’d argue that he’s already achieved that status), but before he was the boring, suit-and-tie figure of The Authority he was known as “The Game” and “The Cerebral Assassin” which, in my opinion, were also boring characters. Triple H as part of D-Generation X was entertaining enough, but everything since then has been just kind of... eh. But I’ll tell you what version of him I love: Hunter Hearst Helmsley, the snobby, etiquette-obsessed dandy fop who was first introduced to fans 20 years ago.

I’ll take the long ponytail and tailcoat suit over the shaved head and Armani custom-fit shit any day of the week. I think this change could also play really well into his character in The Authority. He could insist on things being done a certain way, a proper way, so instead of doing “what’s best for business” he could be doing what’s best for proper honor or etiquette or hygiene. As it is right now, Triple H is just the shithead boss which, let’s be honest, we’re all too familiar with. It’s time to prissy him up and let him ride a fucking pony down to the ring.

Daniel Bryan

Of course, this is contingent on Bryan ever actually returning to the ring (which is looking less and less likely as time goes on), but if/when he does step back through those ropes he should return as, wait for it, an adopted member (or convert) of the Wyatt Family. Think about it: Every member of the Wyatt Family has grizzly, gnarly beards. So does Daniel Bryan. Two Wyatt Family members—Erick Rowan and Braun Strowman—wear sheep masks. Daniel Bryan looks like a goat.

It all makes so much sense! Also, it would be great to see Bryan return as a heel. The “Yes!” movement is so last year, WWE. We want to fear the beard!

Paige

It’s been awhile since there’s been a good Diva/Superstar partnership. And I’m not talking about some boyfriend/girlfriend storyline like fans typically get with Lana and Rusev, or AJ Lee and... well, everybody. I’m talking about a real equal-opportunity type of situation, like Triple H/X-Pac versus Kane/Chyna at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre: In Your House PPV from 1999. (Chyna is a woman, right?) Paige’s “This is my house!” shtick has grown tiresome, so how about we change up her character by making her a Sister of Destruction. That’s right, let’s team her up with the Undertaker and Kane and make them a threesome (dirty) known as the Siblings of Destruction! She’s already got that pale goth look going on.

Turning her into a princess of darkness shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. They can even give her some badass name like Anniechrist or Sadieistic or Lucyfer. She can bite her opponent’s throats as she screams out, “This is my blood!” Or something like that.

Sheamus

The day after Sheamus won the belt at Survivor Series a fan in the front row at Raw held up a sign that said what everyone was thinking: SHEAMUS IS BORING. Yep. But what isn’t boring is that Sheamus is playing Rocksteady in next June’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sequel.

So why not have him literally become the Rocksteady character in the lead-up to the film’s release. What’s that? Having a wrestler play a TMNT villain in the ring is a dumb idea? Yeah, almost as dumb as turning one of your wrestlers into a G.I. Joe character. Right, Sgt. Slaughter? I say embrace the crossover. Sure, most adult fans will fucking hate it, but I promise they’ll sell a shitload of child-sized t-shirts. And probably quite a few in “fat nerd” size as well.

John Cena

John Cena started off as a thug-like heel. Soon after, he turned into a thug-like face. And then time froze.

I don’t care how you reinvent Cena so long as you reinvent Cena! Make him a ninja or a Capone-era gangster or a fucking Wookie for all I care. Just do something with him. Even his shitty-rapping, bags-of-nuts-throwing early incarnation was better than what he is now. I get that every generation needs their Hulk Hogan to keep the company profitable, but... wait a minute. I have an idea! Make him Hulk Hogan! I mean, literally call him Hulk Hogan. Why not? It’s not like the real Hulk Hogan is doing anything positive with the character anyway.